the other day I drove by a church sign that said “don’t give God orders, just report for duty”. And while Southern church signs and me usually don’t get along too well this one made me think. How often do we do this, even subconsciously, even with small things. I mean, do you really wake up in the morning and think, ok God, what do you have for me today? Or do you go on with the usual, the usual rush, and maybe even get too busy to realize that God is right in front of you, giving you every chance in the world to serve Him and instead, you beep the horn, drive past the problem, all because of your own agenda. I do it everyday, go about my business and forget to report for duty. Reporting for duty can be hard.

Reporting for duty makes you think, makes you care, makes you hurt. A friend, Meghann, shared this on facebook the other day and it so resonated with me. Is this why we are scared to report to duty?

“Compassion hurts. When you feel connected to everything, you also feel responsible for everything. And you cannot turn away. Your destiny is bound with the destinies of others. You must either learn to carry the Universe or be crushed by it. You must grow strong enough to love the world, yet empty enough to sit down at the same table with its worst horrors.” — Andrew Boyd

In one month I’m reporting for duty in a way I know will challenge me. I’m going to Haiti for a week on a mission trip, to hopefully set in motion a longer, so much greater than I, mission through our church. To hopefully bound my destiny with the destiny of others, to be the change. To hopefully report for duty more each day than the last.

Want a heart for Haiti or be challenged a little today? Go HERE. A fellow photographer, Jeremy Cowart, spent time there and did an amazing job capturing the Voice of Haiti.

The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life. — James L. Christensen

So the past 4 months have been the hardest of my life. And I’m not naive, so this realization has made me feel more blessed than anything because it could be so much worse, so much worse. And it humbles me because I look at people who have so much more stuff going on, hardship, and still have faith; how in the world can I, with so many blessings in my life, really ever complain?

Last night I went to my missions leadership team meeting at church and someone (not just someone, really, an amazing someone who has seen me crumble as I walked through the emotions of the last few months) asked me how I was. And I said actually, ok. and I meant it. As in, really meant it, no baggage, no inner dialogue, no crap…I’m actually ok.

There is all still the usual crap of life, running your own business, trying to provide, needing a few more hours in the day…but I’m ok. And there is hope and a future. And I can dream and someday, just maybe, those dreams will come true.

So, I wrote this in a blog post about a month ago and never had the guts to post it. Sometimes in the midst of those bad days its hard to face it in black and white to the world. But I want to put it out there in the spirit of being ok…so that others who may have those bad days after a loss know that they’re just plain normal:) Here is what I wrote:

A miscarriage sucks. just plain sucks. and I know that others go through it differently and maybe I’m crazy, I get that, but it sucks. Everyone else moves on and you are left to think every day, I should be 5 months. Then you get a call from some advertising something asking how you are coming along because they have this special for moms to be. and it sucks. then you get bill upon bill in the mail to pay for your dead baby. and it sucks. Then you see someone who is pregnant and all happy and you want to scream at them to realize the miracle of life that they are taking for granted and at the same time you would give anything to go back to that place of innocence. and it sucks.

the doctor told me when I was in the hospital when Brad asked him about the surgery and if I’d be ok that he had delivered 2 baby’s that day and one c-section and the D&C was the easiest of the day. (and apparently most expensive but who knows…). Him saying that has struck me time and time again…its was the easiest procedure for him. And the hardest for me. Those moms got to go home with their miracle, I left with a broken heart.

Thank you to all who have been there, dealt with my crazy emotions, and loved me for who I am. I love you more than you know.

Here’s to being ok…actually ok:)

where do I begin?

I could tell you about this family that has gone through more than you can probably dream

i could tell you that they watched their son go through surgery after surgery, the first just days old

that they suffered saying goodbye to their only close family

that they live on only one income after Jamie lost his job

that they are living in a hotel room because their pipes burst in their house and they can’t afford to get sick from mold

but that really doesn’t cover it all.

Instead I’ll tell you that Ethan Lee was born into the perfect family.

A family that has accepted the challenge of being an HLHS kid and ran with it.

Who have sat in hospital rooms waiting to hear that their son made it.

Who have held his hand as he struggled to live.

and held his hand as he ran and felt the wind in his hair for the first time with his new heart.

They are a family that believes in giving memories.

They let Ethan play like a normal kid, enjoy dirt and sun and see the ocean

they let him live.

Never expecting special treatment and never asking  for anything.

they gave Ethan life.

today they are in need of help, would you give? If only a couple dollars, I promise you this family appreciates it more than you’ll ever know.

www.ethansstory.com

or you can donate here via paypal