The purpose of Christianity is not to avoid difficulty, but to produce a character adequate to meet it when it comes. It does not make life easy; rather it tries to make us great enough for life. — James L. Christensen
So the past 4 months have been the hardest of my life. And I’m not naive, so this realization has made me feel more blessed than anything because it could be so much worse, so much worse. And it humbles me because I look at people who have so much more stuff going on, hardship, and still have faith; how in the world can I, with so many blessings in my life, really ever complain?
Last night I went to my missions leadership team meeting at church and someone (not just someone, really, an amazing someone who has seen me crumble as I walked through the emotions of the last few months) asked me how I was. And I said actually, ok. and I meant it. As in, really meant it, no baggage, no inner dialogue, no crap…I’m actually ok.
There is all still the usual crap of life, running your own business, trying to provide, needing a few more hours in the day…but I’m ok. And there is hope and a future. And I can dream and someday, just maybe, those dreams will come true.
So, I wrote this in a blog post about a month ago and never had the guts to post it. Sometimes in the midst of those bad days its hard to face it in black and white to the world. But I want to put it out there in the spirit of being ok…so that others who may have those bad days after a loss know that they’re just plain normal:) Here is what I wrote:
A miscarriage sucks. just plain sucks. and I know that others go through it differently and maybe I’m crazy, I get that, but it sucks. Everyone else moves on and you are left to think every day, I should be 5 months. Then you get a call from some advertising something asking how you are coming along because they have this special for moms to be. and it sucks. then you get bill upon bill in the mail to pay for your dead baby. and it sucks. Then you see someone who is pregnant and all happy and you want to scream at them to realize the miracle of life that they are taking for granted and at the same time you would give anything to go back to that place of innocence. and it sucks.
the doctor told me when I was in the hospital when Brad asked him about the surgery and if I’d be ok that he had delivered 2 baby’s that day and one c-section and the D&C was the easiest of the day. (and apparently most expensive but who knows…). Him saying that has struck me time and time again…its was the easiest procedure for him. And the hardest for me. Those moms got to go home with their miracle, I left with a broken heart.
Thank you to all who have been there, dealt with my crazy emotions, and loved me for who I am. I love you more than you know.
Here’s to being ok…actually ok:)
Thanks for sharing Shannon!!! I know how you feel and it does suck and it’s ok! Love ya girl!
((hugs)) You definitely didn’t have to share your story, but because you did, you are going to help someone else understand that it is okay to be okay!
it’s always good to give a situation/a season some closure. just as we mark our calendar for fall…we have glimpses of the season and yet we still see/feel summer. then one day…there is the change that fall truly takes over the season and we bid summer goodbye…and then we start witnessing the season of winter. so my dear daughter, as you bit this season goodbye…you may still deal with signs/feelings that continue to bring grief/and healing and then there will be a time to move on. for there is a time to be born and a time to die … a time to plant and a time to harvest…. a time to stand still and a time to move on….
for life is but a season. blessings to you…
HUGS!! Love you.
You are amazing, a beautiful and strong woman. I feel for you, really. I had 4 miscarriages before this pregnancy after my second child and the loss of the innocent joy of pregnancy is nearly as devastating as the loss of your baby. It took me a long time to be okay, some days are still harder than others even knowing that in 2 months my journey to bring one more joy into our lives will have ended, and even knowing that I’m still scared. I can tell you it gets easier and the emotional scars get better but it will always be with you. My husband’s grandmother once said that knowing she still had to mother her child that was here and praying to God were what pulled her through hers and in all honesty that’s what got me through as well. I pray that each day gets easier and that before you know it you’ll be holding your next baby.
:*****( hugs to you Shannon! I love ya girl and I haven’t been through that so I can’t say I know how you feel but I will pray for you and I’m just a call away if you ever wanna vent, talk, cry
You will be okay! You are a strong woman <3
Shannon, You are such an inspiration to many people. Your faith and courage to not “sugar coat” anything is so refreshing. Thanks for keeping your blog “real.” Please know that I am praying for God to comfort you during this time and give you the strength to make it through this tough time.
Ashley Botello
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. You are amazing. My heart breaks and rejoices with you. Thinking of you today!
thank you so much everyone for your comments…seriously, they are so uplifting and encouraging to me…this one was a hard one to hit the publish button on but I’m hoping it helps someone…and your comments helped me know it was the right thing to do:)
I am so sorry for your loss! Thanks for sharing your heart with us. You are a strong person. Hang in there!
I haven’t been able to ‘visit’ the blog in a while, so coming back to a post like this was heart-wrenching… but I’m so overjoyed to hear that you had a day that was actually ok.
You are a blessing and joy to know and God is working through you in this heart-breaking situation, and God will also continue to bring healing. Please know that you are in my prayers and that someone, somewhere will need exactly the words you’ve written above. ~h
And ps – your mom’s comment above is amazing! I can’t imagine a more beautiful way to address this…